Hey, Toddler, welcome to The Terrific Twos!
This is an exciting time for you: you’ve mastered that walking thing, you can repeat words (especially the ones that Daddy shouts while he’s driving) and you’re starting to lose that new baby smell (just like new car smell, only with more diaper).
Now that you’ve learned how to push every one of your parents’ buttons, it’s time to learn how to handle The Grandparent.
If you’re lucky enough to have at least one gray-haired admirer, you probably have already twigged to the fact that these people adore you. Even before you blew out your first Huggies they’ve been anxiously waiting to hold you, watch you sleep, and defend everything you do. Spoiler Alert: for your entire life, they will think the sun rises and sets on you. In fact, they won’t be able to watch TV with you around because of the glare from the sunshine streaming out of your Pull Ups.
Nanna and PawPaw may tell you that Daddy is their little boy, but don’t let them fool you: these are not the people who raised Daddy. Ditto for Mommy’s parents. In fact, those sweet folks with the bum knees are unrecognizable to their children at this point. Thirty years ago, that sweet MeMaw was telling your mom to "rub some spit on it" when she roller skated into a wall. You? If you so much as have your aura disturbed while petting the dog, you will be treated to a cookie, an hour of Disney Plus and some weapons-grade chocolate milk. And you’ll have that served to you on the couch, in the living room, in direct defiance of any of their own rules about taking food out of the kitchen.
Unlike parents who have an understandable need for order, grandparents are primed to do anything you want. Even so, our advice is to not push this by asking them to give you a blank, signed check. (More Spoiler Alert: they may be the only people you know who still have a checkbook, or know how to use one). However, as long as you keep it low-level, you can reasonably expect at least one willing co-conspirator if you have your eye on a new bubble lawn mower.
At this point, you have a vocabulary and some sentences. You know you’re making wise, pithy observations and providing wry commentary. The trouble is: these gomers don’t speak Toddler yet, there may be a hearing aid involved, and Google TranslateTM isn’t quite up to speed. So be patient with Poppa and Mimi. You know that you’re saying “On second thought, I find this Wiggles video I begged you to play derivative and jejune. Please change the channel, elder-type person.” But what Poppa is hearing is “TEETEE!” screamed at the top of your lungs while you gesture disdainfully at the red Wiggle, who obviously is just phoning it in. In other words: remember that for them, talking to you is like trying to translate the cantina scene from Star Wars without helpful subtitles. Only in this version Han Solo pooped first.
And about that Poppa and Mimi business: a lot of thought went into ‘grandparent name’ selection before you were born. However, the minute you adorkably mispronounce "Grandpa" as "Boffa," "Boffa" he will be. Be like Spiderman and use that power and responsibility wisely. If you accidentally christen your grandfather “DooDoo,” he’ll live with it, but you’re going to regret this when you’re trying to get his attention across a crowded arena at your college graduation.
If your parents leave a grandparent unsupervised you might wind up with ice cream for dinner. These grandparents, of course, are the very same people who, when your parents were born, vowed that their children would never taste refined sugar or processed foods. They are very aware of the irony and they don’t care.
The only thing they care about is you.
Elizabeth Evans is a local mother, wife, daughter, sister, former stay-at-home mom, former work-outside-the-home mom, former work-at-home mom and a human resources consultant.
